We’re making progress every day. Visible progress. Unlike the progress I was making in the first few days of the move, when I was emptying out closets and drawers and cabinets. We are almost at the staging phase where we walk around and straighten pictures on the wall and rearrange fresh flowers in vases in the bathroom – you know, the fresh flowers we have in our bathroom ALL THE TIME because that’s the kind of people we are. The kind who never has puddles of slimy soap in the bottom of the soap dish, unflushed toilets or frayed, wet bath towels hanging up to dry.
I think I could start my own HGTV show on how to get your house cleaned out and ready to sell. It would seem there are a plethora of shows just like that already. But none that offer the valuable information only I could/would provide.
Episode One of my HGTV pilot, Seriously Simple Home Staging.
Tip 1: Do not take showers. It will make the tiles in the shower that you just scrubbed to glistening perfection, wet. You might have to scrub them again. Avoid that.
If you shower, you will likely step on the brand new bathmat and scrunch down the fibers that were all perfectly and uniformly erect. Scrunched down bathmat fibers are the equivalent to wire hangers. No wire hangers!!!
Taking a shower will make your fresh-from-Target, unwashed, unpilled, unfrayed, flawless towels wet and you’ll have to hang them up to dry. The towels are just for show. They are not for use. Do not shower.
Tip 2: Do not use the toilet. Although you have three toilets, use only one and only in emergencies – such as when the nearby restaurants and libraries are closed. Anticipate your bathroom needs ahead of time and squeeze in trips to public bathrooms while running other errands, if you must use a bathroom at all for the several weeks or months it takes to sell your home.
Tip 3: Do not change your clothes. Wear the same clothes every day. Then you won’t have any clothes to pick up off the floor every morning when you get up. AND! You won’t have any laundry to do. You may change your underwear and socks every three days but only if they need it. Do not wash the dirty clothes. You’re just creating more work for yourself. Throw them away. It’s not going to kill the environment. The clothes are made of cotton. Not only a renewable resource but it will decompose and feed the earth. It’s actually good for the environment to throw your clothes away.
Tip 4: Do not eat. If you eat, you’ll use utensils and plates and cups. Avoid eating all meals. If you must eat something, make sure it is in a wrapper that you can throw away. Never use the oven, toaster, microwave or counters. You’ll have to wipe them down after each use. It’s a nuisance. You may drink water and put the “clean” glass back in the cabinet when you’re done. Drink copious amounts of water. You need water to survive.
Tip 5: Farm out your children. Everyone with children knows how small the house seems while they are in it. The goal is to make your house look larger than it really is. Children like to play with toys and leave things on surfaces you just cleaned. They have a tendency to eat and move things. If you are unable to get rid of them temporarily, they must never do their homework, play with anything, sleep under the covers of their made beds, shower, take the cap off the toothpaste, or take off their shoes.
It’s really that seriously simple.
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I will watch every episode of your show.
Hello Amy,
I saw your comment on a friend’s blog where you mentioned your husband works at Honda in a cube. I feel his pain! I write the office comedy blog Workforced at http://www.workforced.com. I think your hubby might like it – I sure hope so. Wishing you the best,
Don
I like the image of you children sleeping fully clothed, unshowered, hungry, laying on top of their covers.
My God, when you say it THAT way!!!! *runs away in shame beating breast* How Easter!
Thanks! These sound like good tips for every day living. Why only for staging your house? Think of all the time and effort you save yourself by living like this all the time? I’m going to start right away.
I think I will just drink wine and pretend my house is on the market, reaching two objectives at once. A. I don’t have to clean out / up the house. B. I wouldn’t really CARE about whether it sells or not!
Oh, maybe I did not reach the right mindset yet?
Oh well ^^
Karen
I’m on my way over!
OMG! I love all those tips, especially the frayed towels and stepped on mats. Showers are so over-rated anyway. Good luck with the move.
But you’re moving into your NEW house while this one is marketed right? PERFECT plan!
When showing, buy really nice chocolate chip cookies. Nuke a them few seconds just before the potential buyers arrival and put them out on a platter like you made just for them. Then burn Chocolate Chip scented candles.
I made the mistake of only doing the candles one time, the first thing they said coming in the door… “YUM! Someone made us fresh cookies!”.
ummm, sorry, ummm.. the , uh, the dog ate them… yea, that’s the ticket.
I finished staging my bedroom today and found a bottle of lavender essential oil. I spilled some on a rag and polished my dresser with it. It made my room so inviting, I didn’t want to leave….and tackle the rest of the house.
I think you may have a problem with drinking copious amounts of water and NOT using a bathroom. It’s all so true! Good think you still have a van so you can do the quick throw everything in the car – laundry, dog, counter clutter – to clear out for a showing. Hey maybe you should just live in the car until it sells? Hope it sells fast!!
I drank copious amounts of water at lunch at a restaurant today and then used the bathroom at the school.
I thought that was normal life, you create a show home and live in a tent in the garden!!
It may come to that. Can I use your yard to set up my tent, Beardog? A bit of a long commute for my husband but it would keep the house clean.
Now I know why my house isn’t selling. It’s all because I live there! Any tips for what to do with the 65 lb German Shephard/Golden Retriever/Collee/Malamute mix that sheds enough hair to fill a queen size pillow every day?
Wrap the dog in duct tape.
Amy – Is that really your bathroom??
I would like to say yes. But that wouldn’t be the truth.
The truth is overrated. Yes! That’s my bathroom!
If only my kids could follow those rules, I’d have some serious me time. haha.
While they were on a therapist’s couch, you could kick back on yours and watch some Oprah while eating greasy, salty chips.
“What the So-Called Staging ‘Experts’ Don’t Want You to Know”
…very, Very, VERY funny
)
I think this show will be in direct competition with Hoarders, Intervention and Wife Swap. I don’t know why I picked them.