I need to have a chat with my uterus. My period is several days late. We are in the middle of packing and cleaning this house to put it on the market — not a very considerate time to be a no show. There’s a time and a place to be tardy or take a little hiatus, but now? Really?
I woke up in the middle of the night, not stressing about the idea of having two mortgages but about having three kids. So, I composed a letter to my uterus. The kind of letter you write for therapeutic reasons only, but don’t send, say, in a text message.
Dear U:
WTF??
Amy
If I hit send my uterus will be like “Girrrrrl, don’t you ever talk to me like that again!” It is very sensitive about its job.
Dear Amy,
I’ve always been there for you! Then when I go through the tiniest little change, and I’m not who you want me to be you get all up in my girl? That is not a relationship! That is you taking me for granted! I gave YOUR TWO KIDS a decent place to live for 18 months of MY LIFE. I put an addition on for each of them. And this is what I get from you? WTF?? You can’t sit down and have a conversation with me? You have to text me?
Uterus
So, yea. Never send your uterus a text message that says, “WTF?” It will totally overreact and you’ll have to send it a dozen roses and take it out to lunch and backpedal backpedal backpedal.
Dear Uterus:
I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean WTF the old way. I meant it the new way. The new way is “Wow, That’s Funny!” You didn’t know? Because that is totally what I meant. Not the old WTF. God, no! I have more respect for you than that!
Amy
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I don’t have that problem Immediately following the birth of our fourth child, my uterus decided it was done and took a hike. It did not feel the need to consult me at all. I have to say, I don’t miss the monthly “reminder.” LOL!
Hahaha! So funny.
Your uterus is a lot nicer to you than mine is to me, I must say. Mine seems to get a kick out of alerting me to its presence (if you get my drift) the first day of any trip.
Mine likes to join me any time I go camping. It’s real outdoorsy.
OMG, Carol Hiller, that TOTALLY worked for me once. Also, the Red Sox won the playoffs that year, thanks to my uterine intervention.
Amy, don’t you ever consider deleting ANY post on here, we love them ALL…especially these~! WTF Amy!
Well, in that case, I will be sure to post another “where’s the basketball?” blog for when Murphy’s Law kicks in and we get a blizzard on moving day.
I am so ROFLMBO over this. Oh my goodness – I can SOOOOOO relate!
BABIES?????????????????????????????????????????????
I think my uterus just feels sorry for me because she knows how busy I am right now. I think she’s just giving me some time off. That’s what I think.
I’m glad you can laugh about the situation because this made a great post! When you are a writer, I think things like this just happen so the universe can keep providing you with new material.
What? You didn’t know that the best way to get pregnant is to buy a house? Yeah, they don’t tell you that in the sex-ed classes, but ask anyone.
(Of course you realize that now you’re obligated to write a “period” post when it shows up. You got fans, baby, and we care.)
Totally plan on writing the period post!!! Everyone wants to hear about THAT!!!
Hahahaaaa! If it’s any consolation, I’ve been having EVERYONE’s periods for them in the last 2 months. My letter went something like this:
Dear Yvonne:
I regret to inform you that I’ve broken up with Mr. IUD. He apparently felt the need to hit the road. And, while I’ve enjoyed the 5-yr. hiatus that my relationship with him allowed, I realize I’m way behind on my work load. So, heads up, I’ll be working overtime to catch up. Hope you don’t mind. I’m currently enjoying the “new relationship” high with my new friend, Super Tampax. They say size doesn’t matter – but they’re wrong! (wink) PARTY!
Love,
Uterus
What have I started!?? HAHAHA! And to think I was worried that I was over the top, writing a Dear Uterus blog. I pondered deleting it. I thought no one would be able to relate.
WTF!!!
I know, right?
I may be in my sixties and long past that nonsense (harumph), but I can certainly… uh… um… OK, laugh