My husband and I are terrible role models. I’m afraid our boys are never going to make it in the real world under our guidance. It’s because of my consummate rose-colored glasses and my husband’s black or white outlook. Our children are not getting a realistic education about the way the world really works. They’re screwed! Naturally, we blame our parents. But at least we’re aware of the problem, right? And we can take steps to fix it?
Step 1. Put your children in front of the TV.
Step 2. Turn on the History Channel.
Step 3. Back away.
Well, actually, there’s more involved to good parenting than plunking your kids down in front of the TV to unschool them from everything you’ve inadvertently taught them. Step 3 was just a joke. But Steps 1 and 2 are going to save our children from a life of misread signs along the road.
It’s not that Skye and I are bad parents. We love our kids like crazy. We want the best for them, of course. But we are flawed. It’s our perspective that is blinding us from seeing any of the red flags the Universe throws in front of us. We are Mrs. and Mr. Magoo.
A realtor could take us to an abandoned house on a dead end street lined with rusty old cars for planters, and if the sun were shining brightly, the sky blue, we would take that to mean This Is The Place For Us.
Bats flying out of the chimney wouldn’t bother me because, as I’ve learned from studying my totem animals, a bat’s visit can be a warning that change will soon occur and not to be afraid. If I hadn’t been so well informed, I probably would have run away screaming.
But it’s not just a matter of applying the wrong information to each situation. It goes deeper than that. My Irish genes have mutated. Even the most time-honored superstitions fail to guide me. A black cat crosses my path and I brush it off as: “It probably has a white spot on its nape that I just can’t see from this angle.”
When I see a broken mirror, I assume its bad luck has expired: “That thing was probably broken eight years ago. We’re good.”
My husband, on the other hand, sees things not in rose color but in black or white. Either it’s good or it’s horrid. I have not been able to crack the code on what contributes to either perspective, or trust me, I’d be tweaking that to my advantage.
When Skye’s perception is white, it looks like this: He sees an ad for a camera in the classifieds. He checks it out. Talks to the sellers, decides he likes them and he brings home a broken 35mm camera for the full asking price of $250 because: “They seemed like really honest people.”
“Well, you should have bought the people and turned the broken camera down,” I wanted to tell him. But we had just met and I was still intrigued by the interesting way he thinks.
When Skye’s perception is black, it looks like this: We drive across country. It is our first vacation together. We are half way through Western New York and about to drive under a bridge upon which people are waving and giving us the peace sign. Skye sees them, guns the engine and gives them the finger.
I said, “Why did you do that?!!”
“Because they were about to throw a rock at our windshield!!”
“They were giving us the peace sign!”
“That guy was holding something. He was going to throw it.”
“How do you get this (I block his view of the road with my fist) from this (I block his view with a peace sign)!?”
We never should have had kids. With our mixed up interpretations of the world our kids are doomed to buying haunted houses with broken mirrors, bats living in the chimney, black cats running across their path. The mailman will stop delivering and the neighbors will stop visiting because our boys will give them the finger any time they wave. The feng shui in their homes will be doomed because everything they buy will be broken.
But, alas!!!! I have hope for my children’s future now, thanks to a new show on the History Channel, called Pawn Stars. I TiVo’d every episode of Pawn Stars. After each interaction with a customer, I hit pause and say, “Did you see that, boys? Did you see how he found out what the lady knows about the item first? This way he knows how low he can start the negotiations.”
The Dalai Lama walks into the store. He has an item that he has researched. But he’s moving and it’s heavy and he’s sick of moving it and tripping over it on his way to meditate. He wants to get rid of it. When it comes time to negotiate, they offer him less than half of its value. Unaccustomed to conflict, the Dalai Lama hesitantly counter offers. They counter offer. The Dalai Lama bows, settles and I hit pause.
“Did you see that boys? They don’t see ‘honesty, love and compassion personified’, therefore give him 10% less than what they can sell it for. They see ‘person who would find it easier to meditate if his toe wasn’t throbbing’, therefore lowball it.”
Another guy comes in. He’s desperate, twitchy. He needs fast cash for his grandfather’s WWII knives that he probably stole from his mom’s garage when he went over to borrow her lawn mower. He’s about to cry. I hit pause. “Did you see that boys? Those tears are part strategy and part the pickle he is in. He’s in big financial trouble if he’s pawning off his grandfather’s WWII knives.”
The negotiation is dramatic. There’s a lowball offer, a counter offer, another offer accompanied by an excuse why the broker can go no higher, a tearless counter offer mixed with gambling excitement as evidenced by the bulging blood vessels in his neck, followed by a very firm final offer that was lower than the broker’s last offer. You could cut the silence with a knife. I hit pause.
“Did you see that, boys? Did you see how final that final offer was? Then he backed away. Did you see his body language? Now look at the guy who is desperate for cash. He’s stumped. He went too far. I bet he doesn’t have the confidence to talk the pawn shop guy into upping his offer to his second to last offer that was higher than his last offer.” I hit play to watch the conclusion. “Nope. He didn’t negotiate back up. He lost that negotiation on technique, boys.”
The guys on Pawn Stars are negotiation ninjas unencumbered by rose-colored glasses or black and white moods, or silly little “do unto others as you would like them to do unto you” values. There’s nothing weak or wrong about the “do unto others” values. They have their place, but not in deals, like negotiating a salary or a grade or the price on a broken camera.
I have so much hope for my children’s future now. I see no signs or red flags to indicate that these guys wouldn’t be good role models, do you?
I totally trust them.
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Pawn Stars sounds like an excellent show to teach your kids skills they’re going to need their whole lives. I would recommend adding Hoarders to scare them into cleaning their rooms.
I love Hoarders. So far it’s the only show that motivates me to clean out my basement and garage. Both have a mystical magnetic attachment to everything that enters our house.
my ex husband’s view on the world would make those rose colored glasses of yours look black. Mine, me and your husband. Ditto. I think that showing your kids how the world works by using Pawn Stars is nothing but pure genius b/c I school my kid on life via the Biggest Loser so I guess we’re either both great moms or we suck. Whichever, I love you so fuck it.
Next is Wife Swap. Just to let them know the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. And then the Nanny to strengthen our family bonds with a collective “as least we’re not like those people”.
Did you and your husband grow up exactly like your parents? Because I sure as hell didn’t. Their influences only shaped part of who I am. I was also influenced by teachers, friends, coaches, random strangers, other people’s parents, books, magazines, movies, TV and oddly enough just ME.
Those guys on the pawn show give me the willies. I used to own an antique shop and when I see what they offer people for some valuable items, I cringe. I wouldn’t want my kids using them as role models. They are legal thieves.
They’re not thieving if the people with the item have the power to say yes or no. They’re not their only option. That’s one of the things about the show that I find so amusing.
I believe their Russian cousin bought my dear old Honda when I moved from Toronto to Buffalo and didn’t want to deal with the kilometers on the speedometer vs the MPH on the traffic signs. He seriously lowballed me, but that accent was so charming, how could he possibly want anything but my happiness? And yes, I think I may be emotionally related to the Dalai Lama.
Did he convince you that he was doing you a favor, “taking it off your hands”?
I think the Pawn Stars method is perfectly reasonable. The bottom line is you don’t get ahead if you don’t have exceptional negotiation skills. That is how I (and family) – ended up in the world’s smallest house in a town of 4000 with a basement that is 1/2 dirt tunnel. My 4 year old has better negotiation skills than I do…a tenacious little bugger.
That’s how WE got the smallest house on our street above the asking price!! We must be related!
I love when the expert brought in claims the item is worth 10,000 and each and every time the big bald guys pauses, turns to the customer and goes, “I’ll give you $200 for it.”
Now each time I try to get my boyfriend to help me with something, bring me something, do something for me his response is, “I’ll give you $200 for it.”
I know! That gets me every time!! His offer is so shockingly low but they’re too stunned to walk out.
As for your boyfriend…that sounds like good money.
Indeed, Amy. What’s not to trust? You said it all. Let me know how that works out for you.
Harriet, they’re already asking me for permission to get tattoos. I so no. They counter offered with body piercings. I said “Ew. No.” They counter offered with “Can I have a carton of ice cream?” I counter offered with “Two scoops after you eat your vegetables. Final answer.” All they really wanted was ice cream so I think it’s working for SOMEone!
I am so with you on this. I am not sure why God answered my prayers on this and gave me 3 little ones…all girls…thanks God! Anyway, I should have never been a mom. My hubby is not better either. I remember with our first when my husband looked over and asked me if we had to keep picking the book up for our 4 month old when she dropped it from her swing. We both realized in horror what we had done to our lives.
This post had me laughing my butt off. Hugs to you!
Picking up the stuff they continuously drop…those are the things you’ll take to your grave with you!! Isn’t that special???
excellent…
Thank you, milady.
You should also let them watch “American Pickers”. Its Truely “Whats one mans trash is another mans Treasure”. I really want to go to Vegas and goto this Pawn Shop just to mess with Chumley.
We’re hooked on American Pickers, too. Love that show. I like the bits where they explain their technique in dealing with different junk collectors.
My son says, “One man’s trash is another man’s garbage!”
I thoroughly enjoyed your post and the way in which you write. It’s nice to read something that actually makes you “laugh out loud” I got a special kick out of your story about Skye buying the camera. I’m looking forward to more of your writing. Good luck and enjoy!
Thank you, Diane!
We have spent the past 4yrs without cable. When I had proven that my kids would not drop dead due to lack of cable, I figured I would use the opportunity to try to wean them from the boob tube. Unfortunately, our DVD collection ended up growing enormously instead. lol.
Now, with your wonderful explanations and descriptions, I’m thinking I might need cable again. Or maybe I’ll wait for the DVD collection. Either way, I loved this article! So, should I worry that they will just learn how to become better liars, because right now, they are really horrible at it and I kinda like it that way. Maybe they’ll learn some tricks of the trade and be able to pull one over on me, haha. Okay, my kids are still a little young so they may not be so astute, I hope.
I would love to get rid of cable, video games, and all the whining that will follow when I do.
I am a determined optimist, always and only seeing the glass half full, which does tend to color my decisions a bit unrealistically on the rosy side . . . I try occasionally to see ‘the other side’ of things but can’t quite pull it off.
Kristin
Not even that one week of the month when most women grow fangs?
I have not seen this show but your description makes me think it shows lots of good characters!
Seriously, negotiating skills are life skills, so what could be wrong with that in an education? I couldn’t sell my way out of a paper bag. I am terrible at haggling but will gladly go to garage sales and try and low ball.
My gf and I were in Mexico City, trying to haggle for some wool sweaters. We didn’t want them to know we were Americans so we had this made up language and if we ended the gibberish with a vowel, it meant yes. If it ended with a consonant it meant no, keep haggling. But we got confused and broke out laughing and had to get our sweaters at a different vendor.
I happen to be looking for a house right now and I’m afraid I have the same kind of judgement. Thanks for the morning laugh. Even better than coffee.
Have the home inspector check for bats. That’s a guy’s job. You check on the mirrors. Make sure they have been broken longer than seven years.
yeah, we are all screwed up! lol! i am glad that you found the solution to YOUR problem! i have yet to completely figure out the problem…other then i am a mix of both of my parents which is completely scary AND my husband is latin.
i miss the pawn stars. we cancelled the satellite and went to digital antennae.
The first step is to find out HOW screwed up you are. The second step is denial. You’ll be fine.
You’ve done it again! I laughed, I cried, I ignored penis enlarging spam while waiting for important client emails… I really hope you’re getting great pawn $ from putting up their ad!!
Unfortunately I LOST money putting that ad up. Those guys are GOOOD!