In my email inbox this morning was a letter to all the moms who signed up to volunteer at the Upper Wonderful Middle School store. Apparently, I signed up to do that but I haven’t been there. I don’t know what the school store even looks like. It’s one of those things that at the beginning of the year all the moms scramble to sign up for because once our kids get to middle school they don’t want us in the building anymore. They, being the staff and the kids.
Volunteering to work at the school store is the only spying opportunity moms have at this level. The savvy moms scoop up spots so quickly I have never had a chance to sign up. But now, ha ha ha, now, they are starting to drop like flies with sick days and doctor appointments. Twice in the last two weeks an email has appeared in my inbox.
Parents, I am getting over an illness and don’t feel well enough to work my shift today at 10:30 today. Are any of you that are scheduled for either time slot during week 1 (next week) able to switch with me?
As expected, there are the replies that go as follows:
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I also will not make it to the school store today… My daughter has a bad nosebleed and I just got her squeezed into a 10:40am slot w/her doctor. Hopefully someone can cover for me too…If we get out in time I am willing to be there (for shift 2) but it is unlikely. Any takers?
Michelle
Michelle left her law office where she could be contacted, her mobile, her home phone and her fax number.
Jessica left a message that said:
I can’t do it today either. I have a bible study group every Monday at 10:30. So sorry!
God Bless!
Jessica
I couldn’t help it. I hit reply all and wrote:
Hi Parents,
I can’t do it, either. I have to clean out my water pipe today. The hash resin is really building up on the inside. I have to inhale so hard that it makes my asthma act up. But if I don’t I can hardly get a good hit. Plus, I have ‘coon eyes from passing out on the couch last night just after dinner and the mascara spread throughout all the creases around my eyes that I didn’t know I had. So you can imagine how stressed out that makes me. To make matters worse, I dare not leave the house with this wicked case of gas from eating pepperoni and sausage pizza with Cheetos and salsa, popcorn with too much butter and salt, cheese burritos with cream cheese, because I ran out of American, and a pan of pot brownies with walnuts. Walnuts get me every time. I am so bloated I can hardly button my jeans. But let me know next time! I’d love to volunteer at the Upper Wonderful school store!! Your children are important to me.
Just kidding. I didn’t hit reply all. Just reply some. My real friends know I would never, never, never, ever fall asleep without washing off my mascara. And risk getting deeper wrinkles?? Are you serious?
Disclaimer: The only factual part of this story is that there is a school store and it is our only way of spying on our kids while they’re in middle school. And from time to time people need a sub. And some of their reasons why they reply all and say they can’t do it are just so wholesome it makes me gag.
Subscribe to the
RSS feed or 
Email Updates.Help us promote this article by bookmarking it to your favorite social network via an icon below:
Isn’t it amazing that there is actually someone out there in the world who says (and writes) all the things we think!
Dear Lord one should not laugh so hard after bearing a child! I loved this! I see those excuses all the time at the pre-school where almost everything is volunteer and the guilt is layered on. I told my husband I need to come up with some good wholesome excuses that don’t make it obvious that I pay for pre-school in part so I can have a break. I don’t want to sub for sick teachers and risk some pre-school infection while paying to do it!
I do volunteer – but it gets crazy sometimes!
That potential email is priceless.
This is why whenever I get some award I want to give it to you.
the bible excuse? that’s a tough one. What’re u supposed to say? Jesus will understand?
You should totally send that message.
I. LOVE. IT.
Too freakin’ funny…and oddly spot on. About those other parents I mean.
You said it all and said it so well, Amy. This is one of your best.
ROFLMAO-HHOCT—That’s awesome. I almost peed myself reading this. It’s always fun to read something that makes you laugh so hard that the husband thinks you’re talking about him behind his back. LOL
You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to use a similar excuse with my kids’ school. Sorry I can’t make it either, I still have marks on my wrists from where the old man had me hooked up to the headboard last night.
I just love this blog.
OMG! I should not have read this at work because I was laughing out loud! In all seriousness though, you gotta keep your bong clean, dude. Make time for it, you have to prioritize