My secret boyfriend is Peter Walsh. We’ve been seeing each other, or rather I’ve been seeing him, since he did TLC’s Clean Sweep. We’ve been together on Oprah a dozen times — him on the TV, me on my couch. Is it really a dozen times or have I just been watching the same show I recorded over and over? It doesn’t matter. With every box of crap being hauled out of someone’s house, my love for him grows deeper.
I want him in my life every day and the best way to do that is to marry him. Duh. I want to wake up every morning to the sound of his Australian accent, to a bed that’s made before I even get out of it, to the sound of him putting things away.
His organization philosophy is exactly like that of every nun I had in school except completely different because it’s done without the guilt and shame. So it’s very healing to have him present neat ideas because not only do I feel inspired, I feel like he is undoing damage that every organization nazi before him created.
The only hitch to seducing him is that he’s gay. I like to think of this as a tiny organizational problem, really. But don’t worry. I have it all worked out. Obviously, I’m not going to be able to convert him to the other team but I can get a sex change operation, organize my parts differently, move to California and neatly wedge myself between him and his long time partner and voilà!
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that a sex change might be a little over the top. But trust me. I look forward to not having to wax my mustache anymore. The tiny little adjustment on my part(s) would eliminate so much clutter! No more periods? There goes five supplements cluttering my counters. I can get rid of boxes of “moon cycle tea” from the cupboard that I never drink anyway. An entire shelf of feminine products in the bathroom will open up and I’ll have two fewer loads of laundry to wash, fold and put away each month. I fail to see how this is over the top.
He’ll see that we would be happy forever because nothing says “it will last” like pairing up someone who likes to fix things with a hopeless diamond in the rough. See how I am a shoe-in here? I’m the diamond, and he’s the jeweler who’s going to chip away at my pesky organization flaws and mold me exactly to his liking, which is exactly how I’d like to be, but he’ll do all the work in getting me there and I’ll just go along with it because he’s Peter Walsh. I’ll be anything he wants me to be. It’ll be awesome.
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When you get together with Peter, will you convince him to address the perennial yard sale pile that grows ever bigger each year down in my basement? Oh crud, if I could convince myself to haul it all upstairs, I’d just give it away.
Hey. Just going through old comments and thought I’d stop by
yes, your mother-in-law read the fire in the kitchen blog and was not surprised. do you forget that i’ve BEEN there during yr. previous pyrotechnic shows. it was fated that you married into a family of volunteer firepersons and as time goes by and yr husband retires, he will be home to throw baking soda on the stove fires or to cook in the mircrowave which is now sure to become a part of yr kitchen. all of your problems would evaporate if you were to have a “Bunter” assume mgmnt of your household, (my personal fantasy man, when i was young) someone to bring order to the chaos. love
Does that mean you’ll be appearing on Oprah soon? It’s the least Peter can do considering the great sacrifice you’ve made.
Wow, Amy! I love Peter Walsh — can’t believe he left you a comment about your fantastic blog! Go get ‘em, girl!
I feel that way every time I watch Bob on The Biggest Loser. You should see the way he looks at me when he’s working these people out. Oh the mutual love, it’s incredible.
Can I have your leftover girl clothes? I like rooting through other people’s cast-off clothing. Thanks
Absolutely! Peter would love me even more for passing them on! I hope you like leopard unitards.
Great blog. Cool that Peter commented. I recently put my worl in bins and gave it to habitat for humanity. It was wonderful.
You’re just saying that to steal him away from me!!
Hi Amy! That post was funny. Specially when Peter Walsh left a comment. haha. I dunno who this guy is, but if he appeared on Oprah, you probably have tons of other ladies to compete with. Keep your chin up, though. I’m certain that most of them won’t bother going through a sex change for a gay guy. =)
THAT’S how committed I am!
OMG! That was hilarious! I would need a live in organizer because it is a never ending chore keeping up with all the crap!
Amy, you are an absolute riot~! Pleeeeze don’t do the sex change thing though!!! I love you just the way you are!! Everytime I read your blogs, I end up with tears running down my cheeks from laughing so hard….thanks, keep up the great work!!
PS: @Jeff…..just back off, she’s mine!
You know, I’m so excited for you – not only do you have a plan, but he is aware of this plan.
That’s the first step you know. For me, I’d need to pick just ONE secret crush. I envy how together you are. XOXO
I tried and tried to give my old uterus to a trannie but it wound up on the lab floor. Woulda made a really nice purse for some guy who needed some feminine accessories.
Your pipe dream does remind me that we exhibit more than two genders, male and female. There’s also gay men, gay women the cross dressers and the awfully serious transexuals. So far.
I always wanted to be a horse, myself.
WOAH!!! Amy – my heart is wounded that I should discover this news via an “Oh, my God – you have to check out this wild blog” phone call from a friend!!
Please – no sniping of private parts. Let’s just be BFF’s, admire each other from afar (very afar) and leave it at that!!
Love the blog. Love organization. Love you.
Is this for real? Because these heart palpitations are!! O.M.G. BFFs forever, Peter!! I’m off to the Salvation Army with five boxes of useless crap! Which means I love you five times more than yesterday!
You crack me up!! What a hoot–thoroughly enjoyed reading this post. Thanks for the smile!
so that’s what I need to get a handle on my home. Get a sex change operation and live with an organization guru. Thanks for the tip
This was wickedly funny! I can relate to some extent but my crush is on Hugh Laurie of House. Just think I could have this mysterious personality with me playing games of emotional chess. More to the point, I would have a doctor in the house! And you know, he always gets the right answers.
Have a nice time dear. good luck.
but…but…I thought I was your secret boyfriend!! *fighting to hold back the tears that will make me appear less manly in your eyes* *oh, right, he’s gay and you love him, it doesn’t matter* waaaahhhhhhhhh. Of course, once you get a sex change I’ll stop crying and will take you golfing and buy you a beer and a cigar instead.
You kill me.
neat is overrated. I prefer to think that lived-in and worn-out and where-the-hell-is-that? are the wave of the future. Oh, and btw, I got rid of the moon moods another way…it might be a cheaper procedure, too….
BRILLIANT!!! I won’t have to go to those extremes when the love of my life finally gives in, but this idea is genius. It’s only a matter of time now before Kiefer pops the question. After all, we’ve been seeing each other since I was 16. LOL
I’m gonna have to subscribe to this site, but only because I need more quality ideas such as this one. LOL
You are so crazy funny. I love your blogs. You hit on one of my hero’s today.I had been watching him on TLC Clean Sweep- then I got lost in my stuff a while and couldn’t find his program anymore…but knew I needed a fix bad!!! I saw him on Oprah…but where was Clean Sweep. Finally this summer I found CLEAN HOUSE on STYL. So I started cleaning out, joined a neighborhood yard sale (sort of-cause I bought someone elses stuff too)uugghh Where is Clean Sweep and Peter Walsh? I need the Aussy therapy.