I drove to downtown Columbus today, to the Center of Science and Industry (COSI), to find some stocking stuffers at the gift shop for the boys. I purposely took the minivan for the navi because, although we’ve lived here for umpteen years, I still don’t know my way around. I pulled out of COSI, taking a right after mini-pausing for a red light, and went up Broad.
I thought the navi was telling me one of its lies again. It was saying that I couldn’t take a left on Marconi. But if you looked at the map, you could easily cut through Marconi and get onto 315N from there. Kinda.
Never ask me for directions.
I looked down Marconi and realized why the navi was, in fact, telling the truth this time. Marconi is a one way. I couldn’t take a left. I’d have to go straight and take the next left.
I’m at the light, waiting to take a left and in my rearview there is a cop car with his lights flashing. He is obviously not in a hurry to get to some crime scene because he’s not blaring his siren. Maybe he’ll do that when he gets closer to the crack district.
I take my left, and Oh, look, what a coincidence! He’s going this way, too!
I get over in the right lane so he can pass me but he doesn’t take me up on my generous offer. Instead, he taps on his siren. Me? He wants me? Why me? Damn, I only mini-paused at that red light coming out of COSI? I bet that’s it.
He approaches my car and I unroll my window and wait for him to ask me if I know why he stopped me.
“Do you know why I stopped you?”
“No?”
“You went through a red light.”
“Coming out of COSI? When I took a right on Broad?”
I don’t know how long he was following me. He must have let that one slide because he smiled and said, “No, on Broad and Marconi. You almost got T-boned.”
“I did? Oh, I didn’t see that light. I was looking down Marconi to see why my navi said I couldn’t take a left.”
He asks for my driver’s license and my insurance card. I retrieve my license from my wallet with the picture that makes me look like a misplaced nymph. There must have been grease on the lens at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Maybe they churned out a lot of nymphs that day.
Then he asks for my insurance card. I start to panic because Skye just cleaned out the minivan so we can sell it. I open the glove and it’s in there, thank God, in a plastic pocket that houses every insurance card Allstate has ever issued us in the lifetime of that van.
I look at the date. It’s valid. I hand it to him.
He has crooked teeth and brown round eyes. And he’s short. That’s all I’ve got on him. No name tag. I was too shook up to notice anything but the teeth, eyes and height.
I watch in my rearview while chanting, please don’t give me a ticket, please don’t give me a ticket, please don’t give me a ticket. In the meantime, another cop car pulls up behind the first car. It makes it look like he needed backup. I sink in my seat and start to notice people around me. I meet eyes with a black man in a van, parked at the intersection just in front of me, about to take a right out of the alley. He sees the two cop cars and he wonders what I did. Our eyes lock for longer than a minute. He makes the kind of eye contact that says, “I’ve been there, sister.” I am too upset to realize how funny this is.
My girlfriend, just the other day, was repeating a Dave Chappelle-ism, “Isn’t it funny that black people always know the law and white people never do?”
I feel like I’m taking one for the white team, to balance the imbalance. I’m bummed that I spent too much money at the gift shop because now I’m going to have to pay for this ticket, not to mention the hike in the insurance rate.
The man in the van pulls away quietly as the cop returns to my car. He says, “I’m not going to ruin your perfect record by giving you a ticket, but be careful.” He hands me back my license and insurance card and says, “Since it’s just before Christmas, think of this as a present from the Columbus Police Department.”
Thank, God. I didn’t want to have to resort to telling him “My friend Trixie’s brother is a Columbus cop and he gave me this free get out of jail card.” I’m saving that for when I really need it. You never know.
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i am very happy you didn’t get a ticket. i excel at not getting tickets, though i have gotten a few warnings… i got a warning for following too closely when i rear ended someone at a stoplight (who knew that when you slam on abs the brakes don’t work at all?”… i got a plethora of warnings for the lights being out in my old car. and it was usually a different light. and then i got a warning for the light being out of that car, instead of anything that could possibly lay me some blame for hitting an old guy who was standing in the middle of the road wearing all black at night in the middle of a downpour. yes, that one was fun. though with my luck if i were you, i so would have gotten the ticket.. they would have seen all my warnings and no tickets, and decided that i needed to learn my lesson.
Acting like you’re totally shocked (and kind of a ding-bat like Edith Bunker, on the menopausal episode of All in the Family) that they pulled you over works well too…
Especially if you’re totally shocked (and kind of dingy hormonal pre-menopausal) that they pulled you over…
I was doing a little bit of that. But I wasn’t faking. I was really just out of my mind. Nothing like getting pulled over by a cop for missing a red light to bring it home that you’re so busy trying not to think of things that are upsetting that you have no neurons left for living in the now. The happy ending is that the kids really liked those gifts that I almost got a ticket bringing home!! What I do for them…..
What a nice guy! Truly an early present. Wishing you and your family a Merry Christmas with Love, Joy and Peace.
That is so cool! They never give me a present like that.
Merry Christmas.
I would say that is THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER!
Amy – great story you lucky woman you, it never seems to work out for me that way. I don’t have many tickets – but they nail me every time!
So funny, never realized you are blogging from Ohio, my married daughter (that I miss sooooo much, who moved far far away that I’m always blogging about) lives in Hilliard!
Merry Christmas to all of yours!
Kristin
I know exactly where you’re talking about! You wouldn’t have wanted to turn right there, either. Have you seen the incredible construction going on from Broad to about Main along the river? In fact I ran a 50K race two weeks ago (Dec. 12) that passed through that area. (The race started in north Worthington, and went another couple of miles beyond the point of this discussion before turning around and going all the way back.) Anyhow, you made an innocent booboo. Most policepersons can be pretty nice to people who clearly aren’t trying to be ornery and argumentative. They have their hands full dealing with people on a daily basis who are already having the worst day of their life, without also ticking off some nice person.
Thanks for (almost)taking one for the team!! I am happy they gave you a break!! My navi lies too. We have given her an english accent and named her Lucy. She is not reliable.
That’s a pretty nice Christmas gift!!
Merry Christmas indeed!
He has crooked teeth and brown round eyes. And he’s short. That’s all I’ve got on him. No name tag. I was too shook up to notice anything but the teeth, eyes and height.
From the description, I think you’re talking about my ExWife. She’s a Columbus PD officer (which is alarming with as quick-to-lie as she is). You sure he was a guy and not just a lesbo?
….just kidding….she doesn’t have crooked teeth.
Lesbo never entered my mind when those lights were flashing behind me….and I know for sure he/she wasn’t because I used the waterworks to get out of that one. That SO wouldn’t have worked with a lesbian. Would it???? (Just asking for research.)