I won’t say the name of this organization because then I can speak more freely, but there was a meeting last night that my son and husband attended. It was a meeting for kids. Boys only, to be specific. While I say this with complete and utter respect, compassion and understanding, women and girls have no place at these meetings. Trust me.
When my husband came home and described “the new woman who was really intense…she whistled”, and made the two-fingers-in-the-mouth gesture, indicating the loud piercing type, not the whistling Dixie type, I knew exactly who he was talking about. I was manning one of the tables on “hand in your forms night” and in walks Parker Posey in Best in Show, only blond. “I’m new! You should already have my forms. I gave them to Marsha yesterday.”
I know that seems harmless, but the way she said it I wanted to reply, “Bitch, please!”
All I could say was, “Marsha? Okay.” But I was thinking, I don’t even know who Marsha is. Bitch, please. Get in line like everyone else.
If this were the dog park it would be so much easier to handle the situation. She’d try to join the pack, shoving her nose up everyone’s butt and they wouldn’t like her vibe and they’d growl Not my butt! at her. She’d back off or get bit. But I’m not a dog. I’m stuck in this human experience and, regrettably, having it out with her on the carpet isn’t socially acceptable, so I let that alpha dog pee on my leg and join the pack of other parents.
The thing I like about this group that we belong to is that the people running it are really mellow, enjoyable people to get to know. If I could squeeze them all into my house, I’d have them over for dinner. So when the blond Parker Posey walked into the meeting room, I imagined the crowd parting like the Red Sea. Everyone laying on their back in submission.
My husband rarely talks about people and he will probably be disappointed in me for writing about this but I will apologize later if anyone rats me out. Maybe if I give this a title like “Parker Posey Takes Upper Wonderful by Storm” he won’t even click on the link when it shows up in his inbox. If it says “Mary-Louise Parker Does Upper Wonderful”, he definitely will, but not Parker Posey. Didn’t Parker’s character have braces in Best in Show? Yea…he won’t read it. No man has braces in his spank bank.
The way he said, “She whistled,” I loved him even more for being the parent to go and not me. Had I been there and she whistled with two fingers, the night couldn’t have ended well. My central nervous system is wound so tightly I would have totally snapped.
Let’s do some math, shall we?
Whistle = Match
Central Nervous System = Dynamite
Whistle + Central Nervous System = X
I’ve always hated algebra for imposing numerical value on letters, letters are for words, but when you do the math on the words in that equation to solve for X, you’ll discover that X = Oh, Boy!! Move the tables back! Give these girls more room! Taking my central nervous system into account, that X would be X3.
Boys, tonight we’re going to learn how to tie a knot that won’t come undone, how to safely load and fire a rifle, and learn from a realistic reenactment How the Midwest Was Won. I hope you’re prepared for an exciting evening! Get it? Like our motto: Always Be Prepared?