I have a doctor’s appointment today in which, for the first time in my life, I am going to have a conversation with an MD about treating my attention deficit disorder. I have severe ADHD. What? Why did I wait until I was 46, you ask? I knew that was coming and I am prepared to answer it with this pretty pie chart I made using PowerPoint. I’ll retrieve it from my back pocket, rub out the creases on the exam table, present it to my doc, and as Reese Witherspoon’s character, Elle Woods, in Legally Blonde, said about her pink, scented resume: “I think it gives it a little something extra, don’t you think?”
MY LIFE WITH ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER
When she asks how I know I have ADHD I can say, “Look in my chart at all the appointments for which I was a no-show. That was me spacing it, not blowing it off. There’s a big difference. I never blow anything off.” It would please me greatly if she could tell her receptionist that phrases such as “should be able to” and “try not to blow off the next one” are unacceptable, along with other politically incorrect words like gay and retard. They show a complete lack of understanding. I tried to explain that to the receptionist when she used those phrases but I just sounded like I was going to blow a gasket.
Receptionist: “You shouldn’t have a problem being able to remember an appointment you made the same day.”
Me: “A neurotypical person wouldn’t have a problem remembering that. Someone with ADHD can remember at 2:00 p.m. that they have an appointment for 3:00 p.m., but at 2:45 when they should be backing out of their driveway it has completely slipped their mind.
Receptionist: (total silence)
Me: Are you still there? I need to hear your voice again. I’ve already forgotten to whom I was speaking. What were we talking about again?
I want to say that last part but I don’t. There’s always the tendency to want to strike out at neurotypical people when they get frustrated with ADHD-types. But it just makes people with attention deficit look mentally ill. And we’re not. We’re just not wired correctly and our brains work when they feel like it. Sometimes we have a chip on our shoulder about it, the way neurotypicals have a chip on their shoulder with their shoulds and consequences. If shoulds and consequences worked to correct ADHD I’d be running ad agencies in three different time zones.
When the doctor asks, “Why have you not had it diagnosed and treated until now?” I’ll tap my finger on the pie chart. I was going to make a little video of me spacing out or crying in the corner after another missed appointment but I like the pretty colors in this chart better.
Besides, when I went to look for the video camera and the tripod, there was a piece missing so I couldn’t mount the camera. I looked in the junk drawer to see if the piece was in there and found the tiny screwdriver set I’ve been looking for to tighten the hinge on my glasses. Except the screwdriver I needed wasn’t in there. It was probably in my husband’s workshop. So I ran downstairs to take care of it right away before I forgot and remembered the laundry needed to go into the dryer before it got smelly a second time, but first I had to empty the dryer, and while I was running upstairs to get an empty laundry basket, the phone rang and it was my kid calling me for a ride home. He’d been waiting for a half hour beyond our normal pick-up time.
Ok that last part is not true. I have never forgotten to pick up a child. When I was a new mom, though, I used to have panic attacks in the parking lot of Target. I’d remember to put the bags in the trunk and close it before pulling away, but panic that I’d forgotten the baby on the roof. I’d get in the car, put the key in the ignition and without having even rolled out of my parking spot I’d slam on the break and yell “Oh, my God! The baby!” I’d turn around and he’d be cooing in his seat, where I had no memory of placing him.
So many times when I was single, I’d rest my coffee mug on the roof of my car while I got everything else settled. I’d buckle my seatbelt, adjust the mirror, make sure no one was coming before pulling out. I’d start down the road and hear the sound of my mug rolling off the roof and hitting the road. “Oh, right! Shoot!” Eventually you run out of mugs and you can put that nightmare behind you.
But when it’s a baby, that’s nothing to mess with. The sleep-deprived mind plays tricks on new mothers. It remembers how carefree you were before kids so it flashes extreme and frightening images at you to ensure the baby’s safety. You start your car and hear the sound of a mug rolling off the roof accompanied by an image of your helpless baby in his car seat, bouncing on the asphalt, not knowing why you’re driving away but hoping you’ll come back when it gets hungry. Only to turn around and find the child playing with the mobile dangling from a plastic clip over his car seat that is securely fastened and facing the right direction.
I couldn’t rely on muscle memory to get me through a routine as a new mom. It took some time and I had to talk myself through it, step by step, until it became automatic. I knew I’d hit success when I’d apply the baby’s diaper the same way every time. I’d buckle the child in his seat — right arm, left arm, center buckle — the same way every time. I could trust my muscles. I couldn’t trust my mind.
That’s the thing about the ADHD brain. Every appointment is new. Every errand and to-do list is new. It’s not in muscle memory like a routine you do every day, like changing a diaper or buckling a car seat or making a cup of coffee or brushing your teeth. Appointments are only once in a while, leaving ADHD-ers plenty of room for error. Appointments require anticipation and planning, which is in a different part of the brain than “automatic pilot”. The latter is reliable. The former is not.
One time when James was just a couple months old I had to go to Target to get more diapers and he was particularly fussy on the way home. In a sing-songy voice, I said, “It’s okay, honeeeeey. We’re almost hoooome.”
But the fussing continued. I tried to remember what gassy food I might have eaten before the last time he breastfed but couldn’t think of anything. Meanwhile the fussiness turned up a notch.
“We’re almost home, honeyyyyy. It’s okaaaay. Mommy’s heeere.”
I turned around to comfort him when I came to a red light and his car seat had flipped forward. He was dangling face down with his car seat wedged between my seat and the back bench.
“Oh, my God!” I remembered to buckle him into his car seat but I forgot to buckle his car seat to the bench.
That only happened once, so I’m not going to tell the doctor about that. Every new mom has done that, right? But I will tell her I am at that age where I’m not sure where the ADHD stops and the dementia begins. Give me something for either one or both. I need another color on my pie chart where it says “Happily Medicated Ages 46 and up”.
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I have the same issues and I DON’T CARE! I’ve got the calendars to remind me of things and I will still forget some. So what? I’m easily distracted. So what? It just means that we’re enjoying some new and fresh tangent while the anal folks are stuck in the rut of getting all the right things done when they should be done. I don’t care to be diagnosed with ADHD or anything else. I don’t care to be put on meds. This is me, and it’s the same way that people have been for centuries without getting medicated for it. Clearly (from the comments here), a large percentage of the population is like this, just like a large percentage of the population has blue eyes. I’m not going to let the drug companies sell me a bill of goods and feed me stuff with side effects that are worse for me than any forgetfulness will ever be.
I feel like it came later in life. I wasn’t this distracted when I was younger. I just tell some people if I have an appointment – I am hoping their ADD hasn’t kicked in yet and they can make sure I get out of the office on time. LOL. I found the medication to be wonderful. Of course right now I am supposed to be doing laundry and cleaning my house. Opps gotta go. Love the pie chart.
I found this blog comforting. It is frustrating that you could not remembering appointments, meetings, things to do, dinners and NAMES.
Yes, names. It is not just a name or names. These names are those people I see everyday. It did happened to me a few weeks ago that I could not remember her name. My brain completely went blank. Is this could be ADHD? I forgot my ID and my schedule book this morning, because I was trying to remember to take my cell phone with me which it was placed on the other table than usual one. My brain can not handle two or more things to do at the same time. Out of routine threw me off from my day of orders.
Funny and not funny…
I’m sorry. I don’t have the attention span to read the whole article. I’ll bookmark the page and come back later when I’m properly medicated.
I think I will love your AADD story. I’m saving the link in my Yahoo DRAFT file – along with the other 778 drafts I have in there to get to later. If I print it now – I will read it. But I can’t print it because I need an ink cartridge. I can go to the library and print it – and then I can stop for donuts at Schneiders in Westerville. Need to take a shower first. No, fabric softer in dark clothes first. No, up eBay bid on Mermaid belt buckle. No, call Tim about getting mellow. No, call Chevy about extension/unemployment benefits. No, paint the border of bulletin board I got to get organized. Hmmm, I need to print the pie chart, too. But updated with MY age. Can I just revise it – or do I need to re-create it. Oh my. Amy – if you’re a drinker, I’d like to introduce you to juice-juice-goose. What a great day – sun is out – I think I’ll go to the thrift store. XO, PM
I need to go sit down!
did you get my comment? I hit submit but it told me that I was sending a duplicate.
Oh, I thought you submitted a comment twice because you couldn’t remember if you sent it the first time. Happens to me all the time.
just yesterday, I went to a gas station, they ended up charging a fee so I decided to go to a different station. I then remembered something I needed to do for work and had to write it down and ended up leaving the gas station with the gas cap on top of my car and the “gas” door open. I had to drive back to the station and get the gas cap that had fallen off the roof of my car and to close that little door.
I get you, I so get you
Hey Amy, Thanks so much for the wonderful post!
At some point in my life, after watching several dozen coffee cups roll off the top of my car, my sister came up with an intervention: put the cup on the hood of the car where you can see it once you’re buckled in ;o
Many of us don’t get it until we watch our middle school children floundering in school, and are struggling to help them with organizational interventions.
Good luck with that pie chart!
I found your blog on Blogher and LOVE this post. I recently blogged about my life with ADD (I went on meds about 2 years ago) and agree that sometimes it does feel like the early onset of dementia!
Umm… ADHD? Not “sometimes I smoke a little..”? (I’m like this too… but yrs is worser than mine!) ^..^
In the suburb of Upper Wonderful nobody smokes. Not even a little.
Hi, very nice writing dear.. and the pie chart is superb…..
tk care
OMG Amy, I’ve actually known I have ADHD for a while now, I only take my meds when I have tests coming up though and really need the info to stick in my brain and then be able to actually reclaim it at predictable times. This is sooo my life, holy crap! I am going to make my family read this so they can see that it’s not just me
If I weren’t so flabbergasted by how perfectly you nailed this, how impressed I was by your chart and your one-liner use, I’d be laughing my butt off at the whole perfectness of it right now, but I’m hyper-focusing on the one-liner
We have a 7 week old child, the sleep deprived mind part about new moms remembering their care free days sounds like my wife right now. Good post.
Tell her one day you will look back on these sleep-deprived days and it will all be funny. Don’t tell her the part where it takes years to make up for one year of sleep deprivation.
Brilliant! I loved this one. And please don’t tell my husband about the time I backed into his lawnmower.
He blamed ME for that!!! It was YOU???
I love the pie chart! If I was your doctor I would give you the drugs snce you made such a pretty chart. Man I am onlythis way when I amm preggers but right now I am ricking 4 calendars, hundreds of post its a chalk board and still – missed appointments, no dinners etc, etc. Grr…
Not to mention you have to clean a castle every day!! That castle still holding up??
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You are too funny AMy! Everything you wrote sounds like me while I AM taking my medicine. Maybe I should see about upping the adderall now that I’ve read this. I locked my baby in the car with the keys, I’ve driven off from the gas pump without taking the nozzle out of the car, backed my car into my husbands car that was parked behind me in the driveway because in the two seconds it took me to get into my car I forgot that he was clearly right behind me, I did the same thing to my dads car, got my mom once and I actually did it twice to my brothers car! Luckily no one gets mad cause they just say, “well, she can’t help it, you know.” while they’re winking and mouthing the word crazy behind my back. ANyway, sorry to ramble, I stumbled, twittered, technoratied, and delicioused your post because it’s awesome and I can totally relate.
I have backed into my husband’s car. Once. Forgot it was there. I can’t tell you how grateful I am the hundreds of times I backed out of the garage in the morning and remembered to open the door before putting it in reverse.
Well, now you have a name for it. Tell them it’s not crazy. And use the word neuro-atypical when you correct them for using the word crazy. While they’re looking that up in wikipedia, it will give you time to back out the driveway without them gasping, and mouthing crazy.
Thank you for reading and pimping my post!!!!
Fantastic!!!
(I wonder what my pie chart would look like? I’m scared!)
You are just wonderful
I am uncomfortable, for you have exposed my life on this particular blog. Hush, hush, delete this before more people see it!
OMG Amy you are just too funny!!! You and Tawni describe me to a T. I always blamed it on the kids taking my brain cells when I was pregnant with them. Maybe it is ADHD after all…. or maybe just reading Snows of Killimanjaro to much in school??? (nahhh) :X ROFL
You have more or less summed up my life. I’ve never really considered the possiblity that I had ADHD. I just assumed I was too busy, too unorganized, and a little flaky. I like your theory better, I think.
This is hilarious. The pie chart kills me.
I have two daily calendar organizers- one in the kitchen, one in the office, that I rely on like water. I have trained the muscle memory to immediately write all appointments in *both* of them, not just one, or I will forget them. I also can’t tell you what day it is anymore, and I’m not saying that to be funny. Seriously. Since I became a stay-at-home mom, it all blurs together. I actually asked my husband if Halloween is next weekend. Last week. He was shocked, but I was like, “Dude. I don’t go to work anymore. I don’t go *anywhere*. Why would the date matter?”
In addition to the TWO organizers, I use a dry erase board on the refrigerator for immediate goals, or my scattered, tired brain will go, “Oooh, look. Something sparkly!” and off I go, forgetting whatever I needed to do.
I could totally relate to this post, Amy! My psychologist told me there are really good ADHD medications now, if you’re going that route. Good luck with the doctor appointment. xoxo.
Only thing I’m missing from your strategy is the dry erase board. I hate the smell of the markers. Maybe a chalk board….like…my…mom…had. Oh, God. It’s happening.
I think dry erase markers smell weird, too! Like Circus Peanuts, those strange, foamy, orange, peanut-shaped candies… remember those? Eeeeew.
Yes! They were gross! I can smell them just thinking about them!!
If you two insist on badmouthing those wonderful circus peanuts I will no longer be your friend and will no longer read your blog. For anyone who wants to know, a bag of that orange wonderfulness can be had for $1 at Dollar General stores–the best price for the quantity that I have found anywhere. Family Dollar can match the price, but the quality isn’t as good.
Okay, I know I am ADHD, but lately I have been having memory issues.Someone would ask me to do something like check the bank on line. Okay, in a sec I am almost done with what I am doing, yeah, 2 hours later still have not checked the bank. LOL, I so spaced that one!It is happening a lot lately. My 35th birthday is next Tuesday, could this me the dementia you speak of?
I’ve wondered how to tell you, Tawnya. I’m so relieved YOU brought it up!
Kidding! It could also be thyroid. Get that checked first. I am not a doctor, but I think about going to the doctor a lot, so I think that gives me some street cred.