Skye and I want to rip out the Berber carpet that we had installed in the basement years ago when my mother-in-law briefly lived in what is now the mancave. We want to replace it — the carpet, not the mother-in-law (Hi, Shirley! *waves at mother-in-law* You are irreplaceable!) — with the tile we have leftover from the home improvement project we still refer to as the DIY that almost dissolved our marriage.
Skye: “I thought you knew what you were doing!”
Me: “I thought you knew what you were doing!”
Skye: “Well you sounded like you knew how to grout!”
Me: “That’s just the way I sound! I don’t know anything!”
Skye: “Well you act like you know everything!”
Me: “I thought I told you the first week we met! I am ATNA!” (All talk no action.)
Skye: “You did. But if you don’t act now and help me scrub the grout off of this tile this is going to look like ass!”
Those might not be the exact words. But just imagine it all being said through gritted teeth while the veins in our necks look like night crawlers.
The kids felt bad about our necks and helped us scrub the surprisingly quick drying terra cotta-colored grout out of the crevices of the porous off-white tile. In some areas, it was too late. We couldn’t completely scrub off the grout but it sort of looks like it came that way. Dim the lights. Who’ll know the difference?
What we learned from that experience:
1. Amy: once the grout has been poured you do not have time to grocery shop while it hardens just a little.
2. Skye: you do not have time to play baseball in the yard with the boys while Amy is at the store imagining in her mind that you’re monitoring the grout.
3. Amy and Skye: if you have a friend who has a thorough understanding of how magically fast grout dries, and is also a licensed counselor, invite him over to manage the project and guide you through false beliefs that even though Skye has degrees in engineering and physics, he is not a tile superhero. And even though Amy talks a good talk and makes it sound like she knows what she is doing, she is faking. She’s a big fat faking faker. The only times she means it is when she raises her right hand and says, “I swear on a stack of bibles!” It is the equivalent of the gavel coming down in a courtroom. Believe her only then.
4. All engaged couples: tile a floor before tying the knot. Solving a problem on a timer is an awesome prenuptial test. How one hangs the toilet paper is something any couple can work around, especially if they have more than one bathroom. The toilet paper test can never be used as a substitute for the tile test. It doesn’t even come close. The mother-in-law test, maybe. That’s for another blog.
So, we’re really looking forward to this home improvement project, as you can imagine!! And it’s not one we want to wait an additional six, seven, eight years to complete. Not since the basement’s recent acquisition of The Smell.
When we installed the Berber carpet, we thought “Cold cement floor….let’s get the thickest pad available.” We didn’t yet have an unreliably housetrained pet store dog when we chose the spongiest, most absorbent pad ever, or the conversation would have gone like this:
Me: “Even though this is going to cost more let’s get the thickest pad they have. Cushion the fall if anyone tumbles down these stairs.”
Skye: “But if the dog pees down there it won’t matter how many times we get the carpet shampooed. The pad will be a constant source of urine, a septic tank, if you will. A week after the spots get shampooed, the stains will be wicked back up into the carpet.”
Unfortunately, that conversation never happened before we placed our order. Without the crystal ball, or previous experience with a special dog that thinks it’s okay to pee indoors, how could we know? What we do know is that it’s football season and we can’t hang out in the mancave with The Smell. With football season calling our names, The Smell as our common enemy, and our previous tile nightmare adventure under our belts, we ought to tackle this project from a much stronger place.
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Oh Sandy, I though house breaking a 2YO boy was a handful. I never thought there would be the slightest problem with a girl. haha.
You are so funny, I really enjoy your blogs.
A requirement before marriage–wall paper a bathroom. I wall papered my hand and hair to the wall. Husband 6′6″, me 5′2″-bathroom VERY SMALL.
A requirement before having children–go through dog obediance classes. I learned to break my 2 year old daughter from trying to pee on the bushes in front of the house (therefore in front of the neighbors views). She was sure she could stand up to pee, and where do dogs pee? on bushes (if you’re lucky) I didn’t have to use a rolled up newspaper either
Advice from Sevinc: The project-adventure-nightmare…as from one who has been doing nothing but since May…I can honestly tell you it can be just ridiculous enough to lend the mind to offering a certain love object a poison sandwich. Get the Pope to send someone to pre-test all your food until project complete
I know I date myself because it hasn’t been in style for awhile…but wallpapering together is a big test too. You are too funny!
Ripping out carpet and pad can be used as stress relief. Think of it that way!
okay, thinking like a naughty dog (it’s not hard), dog wants to pee where it splash-back is averted. hence, not tile, but carpet.
Ain’t hind sight wonderful. Now if only we could actually turn back the hands of time too.
Exactly my point. A minor two hour improvement becomes a two week remodeling project.
If only we never ordered the seahorses with our boxtops to begin with. Perhaps we should have been collecting S&H green stamps to buy small appliances instead. Less fuss.
Home projects are like those “Magic Seahorses” you used to send away boxtops for. You have this simple little thing, add Opinions (in place of water)and you end up with a monster!!
I decided to re-caulk the master bathtub Saturday. Now that that is done, I’ve also removed the shower doors to convert back to a curtain with the “hotel” curved rod we decided to put on, scoped out new brushed nickel hardware, selected paint colors and scrubbed the walls in preparation of the “new look”.
The caulk in the other bathroom can grow a forest as far as I care.
It never stops with the magic seahorses either. Next you have to paint the walls for the seahorses, then you need to change the lighting to go with the new look, and then the seahorses look terrible with your existing furniture.
the “smell”….and why is it that the dog will never pee on hard floor…only in the carpeted rooms? I have 5 rooms, only one of which is carpeted and yup…it’s a popular place right now. Sigh…
I’d come help grout! I don’t know how to do it either. xx
No idea. Maggie went into the pet store and peed on their rug instead of on the tile floor. The guy said “Why’d she pee there!!?? On the rug! They ALL do it on the rug! Why not the tile!?”
It’s not just our dogs, Deb. That’s the good news. That’s all I got.
Ha you funny lady, you know that’s all true. Next time let me know you’re tiling and I’ll help
The projects are so much more indicative of the future than the little things like toilet paper rolls! And yeah, the only way to get rid of that smell is taking out the padding. That bites but it’s better than that smell because it doesn’t go away…. good luck you funny lady you