Tell me That’s Not a Real Courtroom Photo

On the way out of coffee this morning, my tap class friend Sheri and I talked in the parking lot for a minute before we got in our cars that were parked side by side. My brain works in pictures. I excelled at that “one of these things is not like the other” learning tool on Sesame Street.

Naturally, I think My tap shoes in the car…Sheri and I are next to my car…Tap class friend + Tap shoes in car = “Hey, Sheri, you want to get together today and practice tap?”

Sheri looks at me and isn’t sure if I’m serious or not, but I inquire about the floor surfaces at her house, even though I already know she doesn’t have carpeting. I’m really just feeling her out to see if we’d be allowed to use our tap shoes on her floors. Maybe her kitchen floor? I don’t know, will our shoes do to house floors what they do to the dance studio floors?

You can see her expression shift. She’s going with the possibility that I’m serious and says, “Ok, come by after you drop your food off at home.” I am serious. But only serious until I get in my car and close the door. By then I have forgotten about our plan.

A few hours go by and I get an email. “I thought we were going to practice tap.”

I write back, “I spaced it.”

She writes back, “Ah.” She knows how I am.

I spaced it is the short version. The long version goes like this:

“When I walked in the door I got online, fell down the rabbit hole of random searches, and forgot.”

The even longer version goes like this: “You know when you’re on someone’s Facebook page and you notice that they’re a fan of a comedian you haven’t seen around in a long time. You click on the link and next thing you know you’re watching videos of Paula Poundstone’s stand-up routines on YouTube?”

There she is on Jay Leno…There she is on that show that comes on before Oprah…There she is in the 80’s…must be…check out that hair…

Then, naturally, I have a curiosity about “Paula Poundstone’s Hair Through the Years”. Doesn’t everyone do this? I think it might be as interesting as “Oprah’s Hair Through the Years” but I quickly find out it is not.

Among all the professional portraits of Paula Poundstone I find a picture of her in a courtroom, wearing a suit and looking non-comedic.

One of these things is not like the others,

One of these things just doesn’t belong,

I don’t remember her being on any prime time police dramas. Is she doing guest appearances instead of stand-up?

Turns out it was real life. Paula was in real court. What for?? I click on the link and find out she was arrested for child endangerment.  I didn’t know she had kids! Forget Paula’s Hair Through the Years, now I want to see what her kids look like.  Are they okay? How old are they? Are they little? I thought she was gay? Maybe she’s not. Was this just blown out of proportion? It was, right? She probably just had three sips of wine. They smelled it on her breath when they pulled her over for a missing taillight, right?

Then I find out she was driving drunk and the court (on television!) ordered her to go to AA. “That sort of takes out the second A when it’s on television” she said in a bit on Letterman. She’s using this as her schtick now? She pulls it off. It’s funny the way she describes it but sad, too, because I hate to see someone like Paula Poundstone go down.

At least when Pee Wee Herman went down he was alone in a theatre. No children were harmed, other than that they didn’t know why their favorite TV show was suddenly off the air and their parents were tongue-tied in their lame explanation: “Pee Wee’s Playhouse? Um…mmm…are you sure you have the right channel, hon? Yes? Well, maybe it was yanked…er…um…pulled…um moved to a different time!”

I feel awful now. I feel badly that I witnessed her train wreck. I could have looked away when I saw the picture of her in court. I could have just told myself Humph! I didn’t know she was on Boston Legal! But no. I couldn’t stop myself. I had to know more.

Can I still love her? Can I still think she’s hilarious? How is this going to change our relationship knowing this about her now? You know, because we’ve been BFFs for…like…ever. At least as far back as the first time she made me LOL.

So I made a decision. I want Paula to know that even though she’s human she still has my support. I joined her fan page on Facebook. It feels like I just donated $100 to Save the Children, oddly. I wonder if Pee Wee Herman has a fan page I can join? He’s coming…uh…he’s making a comeback.

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