I joined the writers fan page The Nervous Breakdown a few months back because some of my Myspace friends who, like me, are whoring around Facebook now, and joined the group. If you can’t find me, I go where the traffic goes. Lemming is my maiden name. But I changed it to Kehoe just before puberty because what anxious Catholic girl doesn’t want to go through adolescence being called Keyhole???
This morning while ADD internet surfing, I found myself staring at the phrase Nervous Breakdown and wondered if I ever had one and what would qualify as a nervous breakdown? Maybe I have had hundreds of them? Starting from the first time someone called me Keyhole. Maybe never? I’ve felt unstable plenty of times in my life. Like most of it. So what does the DSM-III say a nervous breakdown is, exactly? Maybe I have one or two symptoms to keep me interesting.
I googled “nervous breakdown symptoms” because it provides a fabulous distraction from the laundry backed up in front of the Maytag I don’t have a DSM-III and found a long list of bulleted physical, emotional and behavioral symptoms that read like my horoscope. So I was confused. And when I’m confused I do that thing that old people do, or people who have lived alone too long. I start talking to myself. “What was I looking for again? My horoscope? My personality profile? A facebook app called Which Suicidal Poet do you Most Resemble?”
It’s when I heard myself say out loud, “I hope it’s Ann Sexton. She was prettier than Sylvia Plath! And taller!” that I realized I was hearing voices. Even if it was my own voice, that is one of the symptoms of a nervous breakdown.
The list of symptoms isn’t fair to women. It’s a sexist list. The symptoms were just copied and pasted from the list of natural side effects of motherhood and menopause:
- Sleep disruption (Mom? Get up! I’m going to be late for school!)
- Low libido (Is that reversible?)
- Memory loss (…huh?…)
- Disrupted menstrual cycle (It’s called pregnant or menopausal! Duh!)
- Extreme exhaustion/fatigue (see above)
- Feelings of persistent anxiety (because of so many things, starting with the ozone layer, melting ice caps, mercury fillings…)
- Hearing voices (don’t judge me)
- Significant changes in appetite, such as eating too little or too much (food is life’s silver lining)
Does anyone see the redundancy here? The lack of sleep, which is at the top, will cause all of the other things listed below it. The two most sleep deprived segments of the population? Medical students and new moms. I made that up. But I think it’s true.
So when new moms go to their doctor and complain that they are sleep deprived and ready to have a nervous breakdown does the doctor reach in her pocket and say, “Here. Have what I’m having.”
Mom: “What??? Are you sure this is okay to take while I’m breastfeeding!!???”
Doctor: “Honey! You’re breastfeeding? Take two!”
Just recently I weaned off of that drug I used to take that all new moms should be on, because the side effects were:
- Sleep disruption
- Low libido
- Memory Loss
- Extreme fatigue
- Significant changes in appetite…*voice trails off…* Wait a minute….this list looks familiar! She said out loud to herself.
I feel liberated. My attention span is improving. My memory and energy are coming back and the anxiety isn’t. I think I might finally be getting the knack of this thing called life. Or maybe it’s because I joined that Nervous Breakdown group and everyone there is, well, having a breakdown, except me. I can quit at any time.
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