What couple does not worry about how their marriage will fare when the kids are gone? Every mom will tell you the minute she gives birth, her husband takes second fiddle in her heart. Sometimes husbands don’t even get a musical role. They get demoted to errand boy. “Can you get me that burp cloth? And while you’re up can you fix me a tuna fish sandwich? And change his diaper? And the channel? I can’t reach the remote. I don’t want to tear my stitches.”
New moms just have to slip in the bit about the stitches to remind them that they weren’t the one who pushed a watermelon out their groin and you’ve got them dashing off to get you snacks and remotes and baby wipes. Anything to get you to stop bringing up that visual again.
This is the way it’s supposed to work. Books and magazines say it is perfectly normal to love your babies more than your husband. So don’t judge me. It’s what keeps men going to work Monday through Friday. They look forward to the respite from the weekend errand boy job. They might even work some overtime, wherein lies a fabulous opportunity to argue about money and love. That argument is what keeps couples communicating with each other. It’s healthy. Without it there could be long silences. We wouldn’t want thaaaaaat!
Skye and I don’t argue about money or love. We complain like an old married couple. Can you stop facing me when you sleep? You breathe too loud.”
“Sure. Can you stop rubbing your feet together? It’s loud.”
“Your breathing is twice as loud and it’s right up here by my face.”
The truth is, the dog’s snoring is loudest but she doesn’t whine back. She just sighs when we try to wake her and then we laugh because it’s funny when she sighs. We pretend she’s saying, “Bitch, please.” And then we mimic her sigh. Next thing we know we’re out cold.
My husband and I have secretly wondered how our marriage will hold up once the kids are out of the house. It’s one of the private thoughts we shared with each other this week while both boys are in camp. We got our answer.
First night: Rode the motorcycle to the gym without helmets and 20 pounds of safety gear. It was the first time Mr. Safety allowed us to not wear helmets. “C’mon! It’ll be fun! We’ll take the 25 mph roads! The ride home from the gym will feel so good when we’re all sweaty!”
He went for it. I couldn’t believe it. Then we’re riding up the road and I’m thinking “OMG. What if we get killed? How will our kids get home from camp!? Who will raise them?” Suddenly 20 judgemental moms with their arms folded were on the motorcycle with us, talking amongst themselves about what bad irresponsible parents we are being.
I ditched them on a hairpin curve and talked myself down. Nothing bad will happen. We’re about to sell this thing. Enjoy it while it lasts so when we sell it there’s no angst. It worked. And we will remember that ride fondly.
At 9:00 p.m., when we’re usually getting the kids ready for bed, we went out for Chinese. We just got up and left the house! At 9 p.m.! And no one said “I hate Chinese!” or “Can you get me an eggroll?” We closed the door behind us with a dog sitting on the couch who could care less. It was a beautiful thing. That empty nest isn’t so daunting after the first night!
Second night: Hung out on the front porch with our across-the-street neighbors (who do not cuss on the phone while pacing up and down the sidewalk). She is the director of Camp Rustic where our boys are having the time of their lives. She gave us a report on our 13-year old whose last camp experience, at a different camp, was a nightmare.
His group was about to start a game. James was twirling on the perimeter of the group; this is how he processes. Just as the game is about to start he comes running toward the others yelling, “Don’t start without meeee!”
Third night: Went out to dinner with a friend. Picked the restaurant on the way. No children were involved in the making of that decision.
Fourth night: Repeatedly changed our plans during plan execution to satisfy our whims, just like when we were single. No children were involved or talked down or persuaded in the making and changing of those plans. We drove with the windows down, cranked Blacked Eyed Peas singing “Boom Boom Pow”, (’cause we are all that) waved peace signs out the windows and shouted, “Whooo-hoooo!” at the other cars. No one in the back seat said, “Cut that out. You’re embarrassing me!”
Fifth night: Went to a restaurant the kids would never want to go to. Ate foods the kids would never eat. Sat outside on the patio and listened to live music that was actually pretty good. Watched other peoples’ toddlers bustin’ some moves. Laughed. Took pictures of ourselves having a good time. And then we realized something. Something shocking that we never knew about ourselves the entire 14 years of our marriage. I thought it was just the camera. While my complexion looked a little pale, almost olive, he looked salmon.
“How could we be married 14 years and not notice something this obvious??” I asked Skye.
“I know!” he said. “It’s almost like we’re a bi-racial marriage!”
I’m so 3008
You so 2000 and late
I got that boom boom boom
That future boom boom boom
Subscribe to the
RSS feed or 
Email Updates.Help us promote this article by bookmarking it to your favorite social network via an icon below:
oh you two!! Whatta great week, eh? So much for lovin the kids, ha.
You rock. I hope my husband and I are in the same spot when our kids are older. Except with cool music from whatever that year is.
Oh Amy that sounds heavenly. I am going to check how early mine can go to camp just for that taste of the future
:eaving the house at 9! Picking a grown up restaurant! Getting a picture of the 2 of you. All unheard of with the little ones. As you know I am pregnant now, albeit with my last…so I guess I am counting down from 18 plus years. I just sent up a prayer for my sanity!
We’re getting closer and closer everyday . . . my baby (and 4th child) just turned 18 and is moving away to college in the fall. My two married children will live across the country from us for the first time this fall. We’re feeling a little lonely here (don’t throw rocks 8~) . . . we’re just so used to a noisy full housefull . . .
But reading this makes me think we have some fun times ahead of us.
Your post made me smile…our youngest of three boys got to 13 and we were so nostalgic about their younger childhood we went and had two more!
Now we have three in college and two still biting at our ankles…guess we’ll go directly from out empty nest into the old folks home! Kim
When we told our adult children about our idea of living on our sailboat and making it a “Winebago on the water” they asked, “What about the holidays?” My husband responded, “I promise we’ll always be somewhere you can fly to.”
We never did move onboard, but it’s understood that we have earned the right and reserve the priviledge to be totally unpredictable.
I want that last line on a bumper sticker on my Winnebago on the Water. Love it!
well looks like you’ll be still having fun at 90 go girrl!
I’ve been counting down the days until college since about two weeks after my son was born! *laugh* My husband complains about putting money in our son’s college fund and I just tell him, you DO want him to leave eventually, right?
our childless food fantasies involve restaurants without crayons on the table. Spontaneity is good; organizing a regular date night/museum trips/grown-up fun of all types will get easier when we don’t have to rustle up babysitters. (Note to self; live closer to relatives in next life too).
What a fun post! Can’t wait to get just a taste of that. lol
Ah, c’mon! I’m so jealous I can’t see straight. Our empty nest days are so far in the future I think I might die of exhaustion before we get there. The spontaneity that is possible without kids is what I miss the most.
Thanks for a glimpse into a future I can’t imagine right now.
p.s. you asked about narrator voice – my blog is all me (except for the very worst parts which I choose to keep locked in a journal by my bed).
I love that, Joanna! Let me know if you need an executor. And don’t change your hiding spot! What??? Don’t you trust me?
You made me laugh out loud!! I’ve always imagined my dog talking back to me, his expressions just told me what he was thinking, yeah ‘bitch please’ indeed!! xx
aaaw..you are so sweet..
that pic is just so cute…
i enjoy reading your blog
I think you are such an adorable couple. That picture makes me smile.
There IS a ligtht at the end of the tunnel…sigh!
Let’s just make sure that light is not in the basement. We just want to make sure they don’t get comfortable down there after college. I bookmarked order_arachnoids_for_the_basement dot com in case I need them in the future. It’s subtle but I think it might have a big payoff.
With 3 kids alone couple time almost never happens! I hope you walked around the house naked as well!
Dear Jealous in Upper Wonderful,
Don’t feel too badly. It was a first for us to have both kids gone at the same time. In my next life I will live much closer to family.
amy..i always think about that.. I love that no one complained about going out for chinese.. I love the pix of you two.. keep writing i love reading!!!!natalee
My favorite part was being able to fly out the door on a whim without having to negotiate the who, what, where, why.